Why Am I Angry

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A couple of weeks ago at church Mike Bickle’s sister preached and I have to say it just hit me hard and right between the eyes. It’s been 2 weeks now and I can’t shake it. I want to try and explain and in doing so I have to be very transparent. The purpose of this is not about me but about what God can do and how He wants us to handle our situations. I’m doing this from memory and I hope I can do it just.

She spoke about bitterness, anger and forgiveness and how it affects us and the people around us. I know all about this (so I thought from the things I’ve been through and the experiences I’ve had in my life.

The verse used was: “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of  bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled” Heb. 12:14-15

Read it again — get to know this verse — check it out, 1. Fall short of the glory of God. 2. Any root of bitterness springing up 3. Causes trouble and defiles many around you. Bitterness and anger are one – Anger pops up out of nowhere at times, in everyday life, driving (ouch) at work, school, family, spouse, kids, grandchildren, at anytime over the dumbest things.

As Christians we try and have this under control, we even try to hide it or excuse it but over time it becomes who we are, it controls us. God wants to deal with this, he wants to touch it and transform us to be more Christlike, why? So that we will be that light to the world around us, rather than one that defiles those around us. We become known as hypocrites, talk one way and act out another way. So for transformation to take place we must take a good long deep look at ourselves when anger and bitterness spew out of us, or well up in us and deal with it.

So about me and how this knocked me down and out. First I want to say it is not about anyone or anything else but ME and ME only. Nobody and no situation is the “cause” for my anger. She says bitterness and anger are rooted for the most part in this: “Feeling like I didn’t get or don’t get what I deserve” and it comes in 3 ways: 1. Money 2. Honor             3. Promotion

When she said this it just dropped my jaw and opened my eyes and my heart to hear some truth and some things I needed to hear.

A few months ago we moved from California to Missouri, I initiated the move for our family and I DO NOT regret it one bit. But with that said it has been very hard on me emotionally and I have been finding myself getting angry very quickly, finding myself getting bitter over some things and situations in my life. So let me take the 3 things she gave and explain them and how it has affected me. And again it’s about ME not these things.

  1. Money –  For the last 7 years in California I worked at a job that I made really good money, for the last 3 years over 100K a year. I was able to take care of family, help people when they needed, help my children if needed and save some money. Money for the most part was not an issue for us. Then we moved here and the move cost us a lot of money, more than I ever anticipated and it pretty much wiped us out, savings totally gone, our checking account to nothing. In my head I’m thinking I have a job here doing the same thing and I’ll make it up in no time. But it didn’t work out that way. I am making a fraction of what I made in Cali, and each month we go a little more backwards. For me I’ve been blaming my employer, the way things are done, the way they price vehicles, the way this is done or that is done, and bottom line I’m NOT GETTING WHAT I DESERVE, blah blah blah — well in reality I deserve NOTHING, I have to earn what I get and what ever the situation is at work makes no difference, I can either have a good attitude and get and do the very best I can, or I can get bitter and angry because I’m not making the money I think I should make. This really opened my eyes…. what really matters here is my heart and my spirit man – I have been wrong and I have been allowing it to rule my emotions. I am now working on this and giving it to God, allowing him to touch me and heal me of bitterness.
  2. Honor –Again in my last job in California I was treated with such respect from everyone, my managers, co-workers, owner and customers. They all knew where I had come from and treated me with dignity, respect and honor. I worked very hard not to feed on this as it is part of my personality and I beleive I did a good job. I had so much interaction with my co-workers and even my customers. I had some deep interactions with the owner’s down — I did weddings, funerals, I counseled so many and I had the honor of bring some of them to Christ or renew their relationship with Him. IT was truely an amazing time with much fruit. I leave it all and move to MO, let me stress this… moving here was the right thing to do and I DO NOT regret it at all. But it is so different here, it’s been hard trying to fit in and feel accepted, I walked out angry and hurt over the months. I complained and spoke badly about some of the people. IT WAS WRONG and it did NOTHING for me or them. A little over a month ago I made a decision to pray for everyone here the ones I like and the ones I do not like including all the managers. There seems to be a shift with things. I am not doing this so I can be better in this business I am doing it because that is what I should do…it’s really not about the business, it’s about the souls of men and women. My prayer is blessings, success, financial blessings, blessing over marriages, families and friends for each person. As you can see I started becoming bitter and angry, always wanting out and looking for another job. This is the end of that now!!! I am where I am and I choose the beleive that this is where God wants me. Bottom line nobody owes me anything, I don’t deserve anything from anyone..I was wrong!!
  3. Promotion – Again my last job I was in charge of so many things, people came to me for help and most of the time I would finish each month on top and close to it. I was valued and needed, they were all so sad when I left. I come here and at work I had to start from the bottom, just another salesman on the floor trying to make a living in competition with all the others. Nothing to give and not of much value. I let that get to me so much and again it was wrong wrong wrong!!

In all of these things I was feeling like I wasn’t getting what I deserved and I allowed a ROOT of bitterness to set in… my life miserable and the people around me miserable. I do not want to live this way and I won’t, my Father is working in my heart and HE will free me from it.

I hope anyone that reads this will see the heart of each word I’ve written. I am blessed beyond measure right now and I’m so thankful for all I have.

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